Bad Girls S2E02 : Shit Happens

Shit Happens 天有不測風雲

這一集有三個故事線，Yvonne與Denny一開始若有似無的吸引，原來是類同母女情感的相互取暖．在過程中介紹Josh及Lauren二位新角色出場．Shell一邊繼續她的搔擾電話，一邊對Jim Fener虛與委蛇．但就像玩10點半撲克，最終以爆點收場，Jim發現她的詭計，二人竟互扯對方，一起落下同歸於盡的深淵(真是這樣就好了)．可憐的Nikki無端被掃到颱風尾，差點就被遷獄．還好危機就是轉機，一場危機變成Nikki-Helen的感情催化劑，我們盼到了真正兩情相悅的初吻；但是轉機馬上變成轉折，換成Helen離開拉寇，留下當時瞠目結舌的英國觀眾．

這一集是Nikki-Helen關係最曲折起伏的一集．Nikki好不容易盼到Helen歷經毀婚後能回來工作，雖然上一集倆人有點口角，但Nikki就是刀子嘴豆腐心，還是希望能看見Helen．




一開場，Nikki試圖對Helen表示善意，但是Helen一付避之惟恐不及，沒好氣地臉一沉，身一側，像另一個軌道的星球，完全不交錯地擦身而過．

Jim Fenner認定搔擾電話是Nikki搞鬼，決定到Nikki囚室把「東西」搜出來．編劇玩的把戲是讓Jim Fenner從頭到尾不說出他在找行動電話，所以Helen無法從Nikki口中知道為什麼Jim Fenner要找碴，亦使得Nikki倍覺誤解，只好用惡言來宣洩怒意．　
Jim: Come on, hand it over! 快點，交出來！
Nikki: Just what is your problem Mr. Fenner?　你到底是麼問題，費拿先生？
Jim: Listen doll. We can do this the easy way or the hard way. Where is it? 聽著，女娃兒．我們可以來軟的，也可以來硬的．東西在那？
Nikki: I suppose an explanation is out of the question is it?　我想你應先解釋是什麼吧？
Jim: Right if that's the way you want it. UP!　Just tell us where it is love!　好吧，如果妳就是要來硬的．起來！招出來東西在那？

Nikki: Where WHAT is? 什麼東西？
Jim: Oh come on Wade; don't make it hard on yourself.　別裝了，姓魏的，別把事情弄得更糟．
Nikki: I'm warning you Fenner.....Don't even think about it! 我警告你，費拿(Jim瞄著Nikki的書)....想都別想．
Jim: So that's where it is! 原來在那裡！
Nikki: WHAT??　什麼？
Jim: Amongst all this crap that you read! Thrown it out the window have we? 在妳讀的那些爛書裡．把它丟到窗外吧？
Nikki: You are a total bastard.　你真是混蛋．
Dominic: Hey, hold on Nikki.　嘿，理智點，尼琪．(Dominic這時才趕到)
Nikki: Don't you touch me! You're as bad as he is! 不要碰我！(Nikki反射性打了Dominic一巴掌，場面大亂)你跟他一樣可惡．
Jim: ASSISTANCE. Call cell.　來支援．囚室呼叫．

Nikki: GET OFF ME. GET OF ME. 放開我，放開我．(一堆獄官來制服Nikki，這大概是第三次了)
Dominic: Nikki! 尼琪!
Nikki: I haven't done anything. 我什麼都沒做．
Jim: Right, take her down the block. NOW! 對，把她抓下去．快!


Jim Fenner想趁Nikki單獨囚禁之便，再度要脅．
Dominic: Face it Nikki, you gave us no choice. 看清楚，尼琪，是妳讓我們別無選擇．
Nikki: Bastards 混蛋
Jim: Some people never learn. You better go and report this Dominic. Tell Miss Stewart that Wade is in serious trouble, and why. 有些人就是學不會．你最好趕快去通報，多明尼克．告訴司徒女士，魏惹了大麻煩，及發生原因．

等Dominic離開，Jim馬上再靠過來："I could still let you off the block. Just tell me where it is. 我還是能讓妳脫身．只要告訴我東西在那裡．"
Nikki: It's in your dreams Fenner, that's where it is.　在你的白日夢裡費拿，就在那裡．

Dominic來面告Helen，但他的資訊對釐清案情沒有太大幫助．
Helen: A tip off? From whom? 有人通風報信？誰？
Dominic: Well it was Jim who knew, but he wouldn't say.　只有吉姆知道，但他不肯說．
Helen: Nikki Wade taking drugs? 尼琪魏藏匿毒品？
Dominic: Well I thought it was a bit out of character. But then she got all defensive and ....and she hit me.　我知道不像她的為人．但她一直反擊....還打了我．
Helen: But you didn't find anything. 但是你們沒有搜出毒品？
Dominic: No. 沒有．
Helen: Alright Dominic, thank you. I'll look into this straight away.　好吧，多明尼克，謝謝．我會馬上來了解．

Helen來找Jim Fenner問清楚．
Helen: I gather you had a problem with Nikki Wade. 我猜你對尼琪魏有偏見．
Jim: I think that's putting it mildly. 沒有那麼簡單．
Helen: You searched her cell without another officer present 沒有其他獄官在場，你便搜了她的囚室．
Jim: She was up to something, I had to move quick!　她正想動手腳，我得立刻行動．
Helen: Really?　真的嗎？
Jim: Listen just trust me will you?　妳信任我，好嗎？

Helen: I don't think I like this unorthodox approach of yours Jim. 我不喜歡你這種體制外的作法，吉姆．
Jim: Well I know you have a special interest in Nikki Wade. I'll call you every time I have dealings with her in the future shall I?　我知道妳對尼琪魏別有興趣．我以後只要是處理她的事情，一定會通知妳，好嗎？
Helen: Did you find anything?　你有搜出什麼？
Jim: No, not this time. Look, I know I'm not on her Christmas card list but she took a swing at Dominic. I'd say she had something to hide, wouldn't you?　不，這次沒有．我知道她不喜歡我，不過她對多明尼克揮了一拳．我認為她應該是藏了東西，不是嗎？
Helen: OK. I just want to make the most informed decision that I can.　好吧．我只是要證據充實再下決定．
Jim: I've seen prisoners shipped out for less. 我見識過，比這情節輕微的犯人被轉獄．　
Helen: Let me be the judge of what happens, alright?　這由我來作裁定，好嗎？

Helen最後才來找Nikki問話，可惜不是交叉對質，而是預設立場．
Helen: OK Nikki, this is it. I have given you every chance to make things better for yourself here. 好了，尼琪，到此為止．我已盡全力改善妳在這裡的情況．
Nikki: Lucky they're still alive.　真幸運她們還活著．
Helen: Oh that's really intelligent talk.　真是耍嘴皮子．
Nikki: Do you honestly think I've got drugs in my cell? 妳真的認為我在囚室裡藏毒品？

Helen: If an officer suspects you have...如果任何一個獄官懷疑妳有...
Nikki: Don't give me that Fenners bent as they come, and you know it. 別聽信費拿的一派胡言，妳應該曉得的．
Helen: I will not have allegations of that kind made against my staff. You're already on the block for a week. You'll lose your enhanced over this, don't make things any worse for yourself. 我不允許對我的同仁作這種人身攻擊．妳已被隔離監禁一個星期．喪失昇等廂的禮遇，別再把事情弄得更糟．(到現在Helen還在保護Jim Fenner的職業貞操？）
Nikki: The bastard was chucking my books around.　那王八蛋把我的書亂丟．

Helen: You only have those books because of me, any more of this crap and I will take them away. 因為我，妳才能擁有這些書．妳再胡鬧，我就全部拿走．(Helen這種態度只適合對犯人，不適合對情人)
Nikki: What?　什麼？
Helen: You heard.　妳明知故問．

Nikki: You're only behaving like this because you can't handle it. So why don't you give in Miss and stick your tongue down my throat.　妳這樣做是因為妳不敢面對現實．別再硬撐了，乾脆來和我大吻特吻吧！
(我第一次按照字面中譯「伸出吞頭來舔我的頸子」，有熱心的人建議換個方式來譯．總而言之，字意看起來都很挑逗！但是Nikki用惡狠的語氣來說，絕對是氣話．但回頭一想，這不就是虐戀味？)
Helen: You just don't get it do you Nikki?　妳就是聽不懂，尼琪？

另一方面，獄中來了一位水電工Josh．Denny或許是嫌棄了空中包裹，順著Yvonne的要求，請Josh人工夾帶內衣進來．這傢伙從50元抬價到100元，不敢相信他後來從事獄官沒惹出像Jim Fenner一樣的亂子．



Josh便在獄外與Yvonne的女兒Lauren拿貨拿錢．Lauren在外面挺忙的，還要代送生日禮金給Denny的母親，讓她可以有錢來探訪Denny．Yvonne還在探訪前幫Denny化妝，讓她用愉悅的心情來見母親．Denny像是滿懷夢想的小女生，告訴媽媽把錢存起來，將來租一間公寓，等出獄後一起生活.....什麼叫做Shit Happens？就是以上這些夢想，十之八九都落空．

Karen來看Nikki.
Karen: Well....??　怎麼樣？
Nikki: Is that an injection?.....or an enquiry after my health?　那是注射針嗎？.....還是我的健康檢查報告？
Karen: Don't get smart with me Nikki. 別跟我耍聰明，尼琪．
Nikki: Who are you anyway? It's Helen Stewart I wanna see.　妳是那根蔥？我只見海倫司徒．
Karen: Is it now? Well I better warn you, I'm not the kind of officer who runs errands for prisoners.　是嗎？我要警告妳，我不是那種會對犯人略施小惠的獄官．
Nikki: Well as long as you piss off when I ask you to, quite frankly I couldn't give a toss.　只要我叫妳滾開，妳就滾開，老實說，我才懶得理妳．
Karen: I can't work out whether you want trouble or whether you're just stupid. But either way, you're in for it.　搞不懂妳是想惹麻煩，還是真的很笨．不管如何，妳就是找碴．
Nikki: oh golly! 天呀！

Helen: Everything alright? 還好嗎？
Karen: Prisoner's been demanding to see you. In language of an insulting nature. I'm putting her on report.　犯人執意要見妳．她用語言侮辱．我會記在報告上．(說完便離開，留下Helen與Nikki）
Helen: So no improvement in your behaviour. Is that a no?　沒什麼改進．對吧？
Nikki: It's a piss off like I just gave that other tart. You gonna put me on report as well?　我只是叫那個小騷貨滾開．妳也要把我記在報告裡嗎？

Helen: Why are you being like this? Can't you see what you are doing to me? 妳為何這樣？妳看不出來妳對我的影響?
Nikki: And what about what you're doing to me? 那妳對我呢？
Helen: Don't make this any harder for me.　別讓我更不好過．
Nikki: Yeah, must be hard. Getting angry with someone you snogged.　是啊，應該是很不好過，得對妳吻過的人發飆．(這句話有點過火，那次是Nikki吻她，不是Helen主動)
Helen: Oh please Nikki, be serious.　拜託，尼琪，正經點．

Nikki: I wanna make love to you all night long. Is that serious enough? I know I knock Fenner, at least when he fancies a con he has the courage to give her one. 我要整晚和妳作愛．這樣正經嗎？我不喜歡費拿，但至少他喜歡一個犯人，敢採取行動．
(這是另一句虐戀．光是想作，便是這種憤慨的語氣，等到真正要付諸行動，其實是挺嚇人的，在Helen的門外狂捶．)

Nikki倔強至極，Helen別無選擇，只好將她轉走．臨上車前，Nikki想要知道被遷往的地方，Helen只是沈默不語．




＜Bad Girls＞表示想念的方式，是撫摸對方的照片．其實Nikki先前與Trish分手時，也同樣是撫摸對方的照片．仔細看檔案的紀錄，可看到Nikki是在1997年6月5日入獄．如果她真要服刑10年，2007年夏天才會出獄．

話說Shell的騷擾電話玩過火，把她和Jim Fenner的偷情活動透過行動電話進行實況轉播．他太太Marilyn氣得衝來興師問罪，不但把他掃地出門，還把他一巴掌打得站不穩，真是大快人心！



Jim Fenner迷惑地帶著家當走回室內，不解為什麼太太反應激烈．此時遇到Helen揭開謎底：
Helen: I've just been to see Simon. I suppose you should be the first to know. 我剛見了賽門．我想你應該早就知道了．
Jim: What's that then?　什麼事？
Helen: Shipped out Nikki Wade this morning.　今早轉走了尼琪魏．
Jim: This morning?　今早?
Helen: Before lunch. Happy now?　中午之前．滿意了嗎？

Jim Fenner急著Shell討論他太太發現姦情之事．剛開始以為是Nikki隔空偷錄，或是暗藏機關．沒多久，他便發現Shell藏在腋下的行動電話．他狠打一頓，Shell受傷流血撲倒在地．Jim馬上離開囚室，出門時遇見Karen，他輕描淡寫說Shell是麻煩貨，要Karen進去看她．

Karen一看大事不好，可是Shell第一時間竟說是自已跌倒，以後再翻供時，便賠掉自己的可信度．同一時間Jim把手機塞在剩菜堆中消滅證物．

Karen把抽噎的Shelll帶到Helen面前．
Helen: Shell, you better not be making this up. 雪兒，妳最好實話實說．
Shell: It's true miss. He thought... 　是真的，長官，他以為...
Helen: He thought what? 他以為什麼？
Shell: He thought I was ringing his wife, someone's told her I was having an affair with him.　他以為我打給他太太，有人告訴她我和他有婚外情．
Helen: And were you?　妳有嗎？
Shell: Yes miss, He's been forcing me to.　是的，是他逼迫我．
Helen: How long has this been going on?　發生多久了?
Shell: He's been doing it for years. He said if I told anyone he'd kill me. He done the same to Rachel Hicks. 好幾年了．他說如果我告訴別人，就要殺了我．他對瑞秋亦是如法炮製．
Helen: He had sex with Rachel? 他與瑞秋有性行為？
Shell: At first he thought it was Nikki Wade ringing her, that's why he gave her cell a spin. He wound her up so she did something stupid, get herself shipped out. And then her realised it couldn't have been Nikki, so he turned on me.　起初他以為是尼琪魏打給他老婆，這就是為何他去搜她的囚室．他刺激她去做了傻事，才能把她遷走．後來他知道不可能是尼琪，才過來找我．(Nikki的清白竟然是靠她的死對頭才洗刷)

Helen: And why would he do that?　他為什麼要這樣做？
Shell: He found a mobile phone in my cell. I know I done wrong miss, but I was only ringin my mates, I never phoned his wife. Honest. Be pretty stupid of me wouldn't it?　他在我房間找到行動電話．我知道我錯了，長官，我只有打給朋友，沒有打給他老婆．我很笨，對吧？
Helen: Is there anything else you want to tell me?　妳還有什麼話要說？
Shell: No miss, that's it.　沒有了，就這樣．
Helen: You better go get some treatment, Miss Betts will take you to medical.　妳最好接受治療，貝小姐會帶妳去醫護室．

等到Karen和Shell一離開，Helen馬上打電話給運囚車，請他們轉回Nikki．可以想見Helen的權限有多大．

Helen接著立刻向Simon報告，但是Jim Fenner很快便跟著出現．Jim Fenner每次手腳都很快速，讓第一季常遲到的Helen沒有時間優勢．
Simon: I expect you know what this is about Jim. 你該知道是怎麼回事，吉姆．
Jim: Shell Dockley by any chance?　是不是雪兒杜？
Simon: This is a very serious allegation she has made against you.她對你的指控非常嚴重．
Jim: That she's made against me? Huh, I might have known.　她指控我？哼，我早該料到．
Simon: She says you assaulted her.　她說你對她施暴．
Jim: She tries to kill me and I get accused of assault.　她想殺我，我卻得到施暴的罪名．
Simon: Perhaps you'd like to give us your version of events?　或許你給我們你的說詞．
Jim: Well I was walking past her cell and I heard her talking. I pop my head in and caught her with a mobile phone. I tried to take it off her and she just went berserk. Well I managed to hold her down, but she started banging her head on the floor. Obviously she was going to do herself serious injury so I got out. Karen Betts was outside so I told her to go in and help. 我經過她的囚室聽到她說話．我伸頭一看，見她手持行動電話．我試圖取走，她便氣得發狂．我想將她制服，但她開始用頭撞擊地板．顯然她想自殘，所以我便離開．凱倫在門口，我就告訴進去幫忙．
Helen: Where's the mobile now?　手機在那裡？
Jim: Well she's still got it.　她還拿著．
Simon: Dockley says you took it.　杜說你拿去了．
Jim: Well obviously she's got rid of it then.　顯然她把它丟了．
Helen: That was two hours ago, why didn't you report it?　這發生在二個小時之前，你為何沒通報？
Jim: That's exactly what I have done. It's all there. Chapter and verse.　我就在做這事．都寫在這裡，還分章節．
Helen: Jim, has your wife been receiving anonymous phone calls lately?　吉姆，你太太最近接過不明人士的電話嗎？
Jim: Not that I know of, why?　就我所知沒有，為何問起？
Helen: Well Dockley said you told her she had.　杜說你告訴她有此事．
Jim: What kind of calls?　什麼樣的電話？
Helen: Accusing you and Dockley of having an affair.　說你和杜有染．
Jim: What?　什麼？
Helen: She says it's true.　她說是真的．
Jim: Well she's a liar.　她說謊．
Helen: She says you forced her.　她說你逼迫她．

Jim: Do you think I'd risk my career and my marriage for that? She is deranged.　妳認為我會為此放棄前途和婚姻？她瘋了．(這個理由聽起來很熟悉)
Helen: You know that there'll be a police enquiry into this assault.　你知道將會有警方介入調查傷害案件．
Jim: Good, I'm pleased to hear it.　很好，我很高興會進行調查．
Helen: They'll want to speak to Mrs Fenner.　他們會詢問費拿太太．
Jim: Fine, I'll let her know. Right, unless there's anything else?　很好，我會告訴她．好了，還有別的事嗎？
Simon: No I think that will be all for now Jim.　沒了，我想就這樣了．

Helen: EXCUSE ME SIR, these are extremely serious allegations. Until they are proved or otherwise Mr Fenner's position here is untenable. I recommend he be suspended on full pay, pending an enquiry. 對不起長官，這可是很嚴重的指控．在查證完成之前，費拿先生須停職．我建議在調查期間暫停全薪．
Simon: I think that's a little extreme don't you?　我認為這太嚴厲了，不是嗎？
Helen: I'd say, it was standard procedure myself　我認為這是標準程序．
Simon: Unfounded allegations of dubious providence. 這是還沒有明證的指控．
Helen: Look, either he goes or I go! If you don't care what goes on in this prison I'll take it up with Area management.　聽著，不是他走，就是我走！如果你不在乎這個監獄發生的事，我就上報上層主管．(太棒了，Helen終於向Simon強力反擊)

Nikki一下車發現她回到原地，沒有人告訴她為什麼，以為被開了一場大玩笑．在她離開的這段期間，Helen正在進行她最大的賭注．




Helen: Thanks for backing me up.　謝謝你的支持．
Simon: You left me no choice, did you?　妳讓我別無選擇，不是嗎？
Helen: But you do agree that we did the right thing?　但你贊同我們是正確的吧？
Simon: I'm not sure I do, no.　我不認同，不．
Helen: So what do you propose?　那你建議呢？
Simon: Well he's been suspended now, he can stay off while we have some kind of enquiry. I don't see him being away much longer than that. 他現在已被停職，當我們進行調查時，他可以先離開一陣子．但是我不認為他得就此離開．
Helen: So it would be the usual whitewash job?　所以這只是例行的表面工作？
Simon: Jim Fenner's one of our best officers.　吉姆費拿是我們的優秀員工．
Helen: Hold on a minute Simon. That man has just beaten up one of our inmates.　等等，賽門．這個人剛把一位犯人打傷．
Simon: That's her story.　那是她一面之詞．
Helen: And its one that I believe. I also believe that he was having an affair with her; I've suspected it for a long time. He was doing the same with Rachel Hicks, and there's probably others.　我相信她，而且我很早就懷疑他們倆人有性關係；我也懷疑他對瑞秋如法炮製，說不定還有其他受害者．　
Simon: This is all conjecture.　全是猜測之詞．

Helen: We've been here before which is why we need a full investigation. Why else are you suspending him if not for that?　以前我們就有過爭論，所以我們要有一個全盤調查．如果不是為了調查，我們幹嘛把他停職？
Simon: Well there are procedures.　這是個程序．
Helen: OH, so that you can be seen to be doing your job? So that it doesn't affect your promotion?　哦，這樣你就能看起來像善盡職責？這樣就不會影響到你的昇遷？
Simon: Now look here Helen, I've had enough of this.　聽著，海倫，我受夠了妳的胡說八道．
Helen: That's it Simon. Pull rank! Just sweep it under the carpet.沒錯，賽門你在濫用職權．只是把髒東西掃到地毯下．
Simon: Can I remind you that I am in charge in Larkhall whether you like it or not.　我要提醒妳，不論妳喜不喜歡，是我在掌管拉寇．
Helen: WELL I DON'T LIKE IT! I don't like it one bit.　老實說，我不喜歡！我一點都不喜歡．(忍耐是有限度的，此地不留娘，自有留娘處)

Helen神情平靜地來看Nikki．當時電視機前的觀眾還不知道Helen對Simon大吼之後，是如何全身而退？
Helen: Nikki, I want to apologise. You told me you were provoked by Fenner; I have reason to believe you now.　尼琪，我向妳道歉．妳說妳受到費拿挑釁；我應該相信妳的話．
Nikki: Oh well bloody marvellous. I'm shipped round the country in a cattle truck while you work out the obvious.　真是太好了．我被小卡車繞遍全國，只因為要等妳看清這顯而易見的事實．
Helen: I said I'm sorry　我說了我對不起嘛
Nikki: So what's brought this on then?　好吧，怎麼發現的？
Helen: Fenner's just been suspended. Over a suspected relationship with an inmate.　費拿被停職了．因為與犯人有性關係．
Nikki: Shell Dockley by any chance?　該不會是雪兒杜？

Helen: Listen Nikki, about what happened today. I let my emotions cloud my professional judgement. I thought I could fight them, I was stupid. 聽著，尼琪，今天發生的事情．我讓情感蒙蔽住專業判斷．我以為可以克服，我真笨．
Nikki: What are you saying?　妳說什麼？(老實說，我也一直不了解Helen的邏輯)
Helen: I won't be looking after your case anymore.　我不能再照顧妳了．
Nikki: What?　什麼？
Helen: I've resigned.　我辭職了．
Nikki: Helen, you can't do this to me this isn't fair. 海倫，妳不可以這樣對我，這不公平．
Helen: Listen, I've just suspended Jim Fenner when I'm guilty of the same offence. In thought if not in deed. 聽著，我判吉姆費拿停職，自己卻犯同樣錯誤．我們的動機相同，只差我沒有付諸行動．(熱心網友建議我調整In thought if not in deed的意思．論跡(deed)不論心(thought)，是法律上對道德的最低要求，我覺得Helen是要求較高的道德標準，連思想上的逾越都不許可，所以如何解除她自己在這場愛情的限制是很大的挑戰．)
Nikki: So what now?　現在怎麼辦？

Helen: Well I'm not your jailer anymore.....which means I can do this! 我不再是妳的典獄長....所以我可以這樣做．

在UK版DVD的未收錄畫面，有這一段採半身取景的中景鏡頭．如果要體會剪輯的魔力，這是很好的對照素材．正式版中，當Helen說出上述的道白，採用的是臉部大特寫，你可以看到她微微眨眼，長長的睫毛勾動，再加上嘴角淺淺上揚的笑容，這個吻的準備動作實在太完美了！

這個相吻的取景timing，我研究很久．最好的時刻通常是雙方剛接觸的時候，才不會鼻子臉頰擠成一團．有些小朋友曾討論為什麼接吻時眼睛要閉起來？第一個原因是：相距那麼近時，什麼也看不清楚，還不如不要看；第二個原因是：同時使用太多感官時容易分心，不能專注相吻時的美好．在Fingersmith原著裡，Sue與Maud第一次相吻是在黑暗中，沒有了視覺，觸覺才得以驚心動魄．

Helen: What 怎麼了
Nikki: Say you'll visit me. PLEASE. Say you'll visit me.　告訴我妳會來看我．求求妳．說妳會來看我．
Helen: Nikki, it's too difficult. 尼琪，這太難了．
Nikki: Helen, you can't leave me like this. This is Shit!　海倫，妳不能這樣走開．這太扯了！
Helen: Shit happens. 不如意之事，十之八九．　

然後，Helen就這樣離開了．Nikki再度留下淚來．因為獄中有太多的悲憤心酸，所以Nikki的淚珠多到可以串成另一篇專題文章．

最近修正：2007/03/10

Read More

Bad Girls S2E01 : Tug of Love

Tug of Love 相爭監護權

第二季第一集重新回顧第一季的許多元素再出發，例如：Helen穿回她第一次出場的紅上衣 (Nikki則同時穿著紅衣)；Carol的流產，換成Zandra的生產；而Nikki，依舊在她的鐵窗前日日盼望Helen出現．

就吻戲而言，Helen的演出要比Nikki入味，不論吻男吻女都能步步到位(令人期待的第二集)，但論渴望的眼神，Nikki的功力是一絕，這一集是她精采演出的大集合，特別是最後一景，Dyke Vision特別選來當作Bad Girls專題標題圖片．從這一季開始，Nikki很明顯消瘦，再加上她略長的髮尾，和修正後的淡妝，確立她在Bad Girls流傳的經典形象．

Helen在上一季結尾毀婚事件後，突然消聲匿跡．我們隨著Dominic的鏡頭，進入Helen的辦公室，卻看到Jim Fenner處理公務．原來他趁機代理職務，連Helen的口紅都去之而快．至於他的好朋友Simon想將他真除扶正：

Simon: On the subject of Helen Stewart, Obviously all your staff know she is over due back from sick leave. Frankly I think she's gone AWOL. No message from her, no reply from her home! 談到司徒海倫，大家都知道她病假逾期未歸．我認為她已曠職．沒有消息，家裡也沒來通知！ (看來Helen曾有一陣子很不好過)
Jim: It's a shame, I feel sorry for her. This job's tough enough without problems on the home front. 真可惜，我替她難過．就算是不必應付家裡問題，光這工作就應付不完．(一語成讖，果真Shell直搗他的住所)
Simon: Well I'm gonna speak to personnel, It'll leave a gap to fill on the wing, but we'll get you a promotion board as soon as possible Jim.　我會和人事部商量補職缺，但我會先趕快拔擢你，吉姆．

Nikki與Shell的對立始終未減．從圖片看來，明明是Nikki自己撞到Shell，卻怪起對方．
Nikki: Watch where you're goin Dockley. 走路看清楚點，姓杜的．
Shell: ahhhhh, Still got the glums cos your little govvey's gone, have ya? Shame she ain't comin back innit? 哈，還在為妳的小小典獄長離開而悶悶不樂？真可惜她不會回來了，對吧？


這一集，Zandra終於臨盆．Dominic擔心Carol流產事件再度發生，非常警覺地要Bodybag一起送她去醫院．Zandra仍不死心，要求久久不聞不問的前男友能來醫院陪產．Bodybag照例潑人泠水，但是好好先生Dominic願意幫忙聯絡．


在生產的重要時刻，前男友Robin終於趕到．新生命誕生，全家團聚，溫馨氣氛居然讓一向刻薄的Bodybag抹去眼角淚水．編劇的能力就在此展現，一個負面角色有他既定的思考模式，但是人之常情的反應，可以豐富角色的立體感．(這是The L Word最缺乏之處，有些角色轉變太快，變得性格錯亂，像Helena的角色發展便令人啼笑皆非．)


同一時間，Simon費心安排人事佈局，拉進新的角色Karen．沒想到Jim與Karen一打照面，二個人原來早就認識．Jim回答："we met at a conference a few years ago. 幾年前，我們在一個研討會上見過．"　二個人研討會後如何，我們不得而知，但是Karen的笑容有幾分玄機，還刻意評論Jim："You've put on weight Jim. 你發福了，吉姆"


就在我們認為Helen消失，以為製作人不敢再發展Nikki-Helen的故事，在Jim Fenner一大早上班打開門一看，那位在第一季老是遲到的Helen，居然好整以暇等待Jim Fenner
Helen: Morning Jim　早安吉姆
Jim: Obviously I didn't expect to find you here　我真沒想到妳會在這裡出現
Helen: Obviously　看得出來
Jim: We were beginning to wonder if you'd had enough of us 我們以為妳已經受不了我們了
Helen: On the contrary, my flight back was cancelled.　剛好相反，我已取消回程機票．
Jim: Only we didn't know what to think, seeing as you didn't phone in.　妳沒打電話進來，我們真的不知如何是好．
Helen: It wasn't easy parked on the runway for 5 hours. You must have already been home when I got through to Simon.　在機場跑道等了五個小時很不好受．我聯絡上賽門時，你應該已經回家了．

Jim: Right, Well then.　好吧．
Helen: Talking of Simon, I've got a meeting with him first thing. Then I want to talk to all the PO's after morning lock-up. If you can call them together please.　說到賽門，我會先和他開個會．接著在早上禁閉後，我要對所有獄官談話．請幫我召集大家．
Jim: Fine. Only you'll be missing Sylvia and Dominic McAllister. They're both at the hospital on bed watch, Zandra Plackett went into labour yesterday.　好．但斯維亞和麥考利不在．他們昨天監護珊德拉去醫院生產．
Helen: Did she? Well, when they both get back then.　她真的生了？那，他們回來後再召集吧．
Jim: Right　好吧．

當Jim Fenner正準備離開，Helen叫住他．
Helen: Oh, Jim? I take it these are yours 噢，吉姆？我猜這是你的東西．(從抽屜拿出一包煙)
Jim: Thank you.　謝謝．
Helen: Nice suit! 很棒的西裝！　

Helen接著到獄中展現她復出的旺盛企圖心．
高茱: Hey look, it's miss Stewart.　看，是司徒女士
雪兒: What the bleedin hell?　怎麼搞的？
矮茱: Good to see you back miss.　真高興看到妳回來
高茱: Good on you guv.　做得好，長官 　
Nikki: Looks like Fenner's been telling you fibs Dockley.看來費拿對妳撒了謊，杜．
Yvonne: Who needs men, eh miss?　誰還需要男人，嗯，女士們？

Helen: Good morning everyone 大家早
眾人: Morning Miss. 早，長官
Helen: I have some good news. I had a message from the hospital that last night Zandra Plackett had a baby boy. 我有個好消息．從醫院回報，昨晚珊德拉產下一個男孩．


Nikki喜出望外，想要借一步說話．
Nikki: Miss Stewart? 司徒女士？
Helen: Not now.　不要挑現在
Nikki: I need to talk to you miss.　我想和妳談一談Helen: When I'm ready.　我準備好再說　(可憐的Nikki只能看著Helen轉頭而去)
大家忙著抬面下的溝通，這廂Nikki找完Helen，那廂便是Jim與Shell在咬耳朵．

Helen不是說回來就能回來，還得過Simon那一關．
Simon: I need to be re-assured that you can take control again Helen. 我需要再確認妳控制得了大局，海倫
Helen: I've already been down onto the wing, and I've arranged a unit meeting for later. As far as my personal life is concerned, I've dealt with that matter.　我已回到獄中視事，待會兒已安排了同仁會議．至於個人的私事，我已處理好．
Simon: Well I want you to take this as an official warning. I shall note it on your record. I expect you to do a thorough handover with Jim Fenner. Even though he'll return to uniform, he'll be staying on the same grade as you.
我鄭重警告妳．我會把它記在報告裡．我希望妳把權責完全移交給吉姆費拿．雖然他會回鍋當制服獄官，但是他的職等會與妳相當．
New carpet! You should also know I'm appointing a new principal officer on G-wing, We worked together in my last establishment. She's got 11 years service, and she recently completed a BA Honours. She'll be coming for a look round next week.
新地毯！(突然發現腳下的變化)妳還要了解，我為G區指定一位高階獄官，在我之前的職位，我們合作過．她有11年資歷，最近剛完成學士學位．下週就會來拜訪．
Helen: But I thought we just needed a replacement for Lorna Rose. 我以為我們只須替補羅娜羅絲的缺額．
Simon: What I need Helen, is to know that you've got a strong team behind you. 我可是想要妳背後有一組堅強的團隊．

有時想想，這與幕後情況不是一樣？當Helen在第三季之後不再出現，Karen這個角色從第四季延續下去．這就是長壽影集的新陳代謝．

Zandra因為懷孕時期仍在使用毒品，新生兒一出生便送去排毒，這讓Robin非常不以為然，也為他對Zandra的不信任，埋下搶走監護全權的伏筆．





終於Nikki與Helen有機會私下相談，但是二個紅衣女子的談話卻是衝突收場．
Helen: Take a seat Nikki. I thought we better have a talk. 坐下來，尼琪．我想我們最好談一下．
Nikki: I can't believe you're back here. I was really beginning to think you'd walked. You must have been though hell.　不敢相信妳回來了．我真以為妳要離開了．妳最近一定很不好過．(Nikki笑得越開心，我就越難過．這不是妳想像的敘舊啊)
Helen: I'm where I want to be now. 我做了我想要的選擇．　
Nikki: Meaning not back with Sean.　意思是妳不會與西恩復合．
Helen: Hardly!　絕不可能．

Nikki: Couldn't believe him turning up here like that. Had to mean you chucked him though.　不敢相信他在這裡做出那種事．應該是因為妳和他分手所造成．
Helen: Nikki, I don't want to talk about Sean.　尼琪，我不想討論西恩．
Nikki: Sure. But I'm not wrong about why you couldn't marry him am I? 好吧．但是妳沒嫁給他的原因，我應該沒會錯意吧？
Helen: Look, Sean and I were never gonna work out.　聽著，西恩和我根本不會有結果．
Nikki: oh　噢　(突然心沉了一下)
Helen: I knew that as soon as he moved in with me.　他一搬來同居時，我就發現了．(因誤會而在一起，因了解而分手?)
Nikki: So nothing to do with what you felt for me. Why can't you tell me I mean something to you.　所以這和妳對我的感情完全無關！妳為何不肯承認我在妳心中的地位？ (這句真直接)
Helen: Of course you do mean something　當然，妳有一定的地位
Nikki: Say that again.　那就再說一次 (Nikki，連這種口惠妳也滿足)
Helen: Look, It doesn't matter what the hell I feel Nikki. You're a prisoner in my charge. I can't take advantage of you.　聽著，我怎麼感覺都不重要，尼琪．妳是我看管的犯人．我不能佔妳便宜．
Nikki: You wouldn't be.　妳不會啊．

Helen: Look, while it's my job to lock you up, there's no way we can be equal Nikki.　聽著，當我的職責是把妳關起來，我們根本不可能平等相處．
Nikki: Look, wait. I'm not saying any of it is going to be easy, but it's not impoossible is it? Not if we both wanna try.　等等．我沒說這是件容易的事，但不是不可能．只要我們都想要嘗試克服．
Helen: But that's what I'm trying to say to you, I don't wanna try and pretend that these aren't the facts. Look, how can I do my job when I'm breaking my own rules. I'm sorry Nikki, but there's no way.　但這就是我想要告訴妳，我不想嘗試並去假裝沒有這些狀況．我怎麼可以破壞對自我工作的要求．對不起，尼琪．我們之間是不可能的．(這是Helen對這份感情論述的基調)

Nikki: Right, you obviously care more about your bloody career than you do about me. I must be mad. Course I'm not worth risking your precious job for, not when you could nip down the garden centre and pick up another boyfriend, cos that's what you'd rather have, isn't it Helen? Then you won't be breaking any rules.
好吧，顯然妳重視撈什子前途更甚於關心我．我應該是昏了頭．我不值得妳冒那麼大的風險，何況妳還是可以去個園藝市集，再挑一位男朋友，這就是妳想做的．這樣妳不會觸犯規定了．(其實Nikki點出了Helen的工作野心強過感情)
Helen: I nearly didn't come back to this. Look, my back is up against the wall. This is my last chance to do some good. I want you to help me Nikki. (a long silence ensues) OK, go. 我根本不是這樣．我全付備戰．這是我能表現的最後一次機會．我希望妳能幫我．

Nikki氣得再次甩門而去，這可能是她在Bad Girls練習最多的動作．

Zandra將嬰兒帶回獄中照料，剛開始的喜悅，沒多久便成為疲勞轟炸．Zandra耐不住性子，想要使用毒品減輕壓力的念頭再度浮上心頭．



導火線是Zandra確實用電話卡向別人交換毒品，但是最後一刻懸崖勒馬．但是藥頭跑來指責她以用過的電話卡交易．Zandra想要退貨，對方堅持銀貨兩訖，結果在育嬰室大打出手，引出這段黑市交易，被交到Helen跟前．



Helen: What you have to understand Zandra is that a place on the mother and baby unit is a privilege not a right.　妳要了解，珊德拉，母子待在婦幼室是個禮遇，但不是個人權益．　
Robin: Why the hell were you fighting? 妳到底在打什麼？
Zandra: I didn't start it, she was winding me up. 不是我先出手，是她惹的．
Helen: The other women said they were fighting about drugs. When a search was conducted in Zandra's cell we found a small supply of heroin.　另一個女人說她們為了毒品打架．搜索珊德拉的囚室時，發現了一小包海洛英．
Robin: What??　什麼？？
Zandra: But I've said, I didn't use it. I didn't want it Robin. I was piss tested clean wasn't I? 我說過，我沒碰毒品．我並不想要，羅賓．我的尿液測試是正常的，對吧？
Helen: You broke the rules, the other mothers in the unit are up in arms about this. We'd have to segregate Zandra anyway for her own protection. Now the problem is the law won't allow us to lock a baby into a cell.　妳違反規定，其他在婦幼室的母親都群情激昂．我們必須把珊德拉隔離保護．問題是法律不允許把嬰兒關進牢裡．
Robin: I can't believe you got involved in drugs again. 不敢相信妳又碰毒品
Zandra: I didn't want to, she pushed them on me. Why don't you tell him miss, that it wasn't my fault. 我不想啊，是她逼我的．長官，妳為什麼不告訴他，不是我的錯．
Helen: Look, there'll be a case conference now. You might have to hand your baby out Zandra.　他們會舉行個案討論．妳可能得把小孩交出去照顧，珊德拉．

Zandra: WHAT?　什麼？
Robin: Well, obviously if she can't keep Robbie in here then I'm taking him home with me.　看來，如果她不能在這裡保住羅比，我就要帶他回去．
Zandra: NO. 不　
Robin: Of course I am Zan.　我會的，珊
Zandra: But I'm his mother, I want to look after him 但我是他的母親，我想照顧他．
Robin: Well you should have thought about that before　妳早該想好．
Zandra: But I didn't do any drugs.　我沒有再碰毒品
Helen: We all have to think of what's best for the baby. If you and Robin don't make your own arrangements....我們得顧及小孩的最大利益．如果妳和羅賓沒有達成安排的協議....
Robin: No no, I've decided.　不不，我決定了
Zandra: NO!　不!
Robin: You have got nothing to give him Zandra, you can't even breast-feed him. 妳沒有東西可以供他，珊德拉，妳甚至不能哺乳
Zandra: That's their fault. If they'd let me stay with him in hospital, my milk wouldn't have dried up.　是他們的錯．如果他們讓我在醫院待在旁邊，我的奶水不會乾掉．
Robin: There's no point in arguing about this. She'll never be a fit mother.　爭這個沒有用了．她永遠不會是稱職的母親．
Zandra: You're not taking him Robin. You weren't there with me the whole time I was carrying him, so you can PISS OFF now.　不准你帶走他．我懷他時，你不聞不問，現在你給我滾開．
Helen: Ok Zandra,you can take her back to the MBU. 夠了，珊德拉，把她帶回去．
Zandra: You're a shit Robin. 你是屎，羅賓
Helen: And make sure there's someone there to stay with her please. Maybe this was a mistake. 請找人看著她．或許，這是個錯誤．
Robin: No, it's made me realise I'm doing the right thing. I've already started legal proceedings Miss Stewart. I want sole custody of my son. 不，這讓我了解我做的是對的．我已進行法律程序，司徒女士．我要求全部的監護權．

沒多久，萬念俱灰的Zandra利用機會，抱著小孩偷爬到屋頂上，想要以死解決．




一群獄友在底層行走，剛好目睹到她，大家只能仰望乾著急．同時間Dominic向Helen報告：
Dominic: Zandra Placket's on the hospital wing roof.....珊德拉爬到醫護區的屋頂....
Helen: What? 什麼？
Dominic: with her baby!　帶著小孩
Helen: I put her on special watch. Has Stubberfield been told? 我已經要求她被特別監視了．通報史先生了嗎？
Dominic: Nah, they can't get hold of him. 沒有，聯絡不上他．
Helen: SHIT. 糟了

剛開始是Jim Fenner向Zandra喊話，不過這種人的話，沒幾個人會信．接著Helen冒險上樓，親自與Zandra對話．
Helen: Jim! I think it's me Zandra's angry with, isn't that right Zandra? You think I'm on Robin's side, don't you?　吉姆！我想珊德拉氣得是我，對吧，珊德拉？妳以為我站在羅賓那邊，對吧？
Zandra: You want him to take Robbie away from me, don't you?　妳希望他把羅比搶走，不是嗎？
Helen: OK, I'm gonna put myself on the line too Zandra.　好了，我要和妳站在一起，珊德拉．

Nikki在下方看見Helen站在屋頂，不禁大喊Helen!

Helen: I tell you what I think about your Robin. I think he's very like my ex-fiancé to be honest. He's weak Zandra, he's weak but he's totally sure of himself. Now he'll use every single advantage that he has to try and get custody of your baby. But he'll only win if you give up the fight.
我告訴妳我對羅賓的評價．我認為他很像我之前的未婚夫．他很懦弱，珊德拉，他懦弱但知道要什麼．他會利用所有優勢，試著去取得妳小孩的監護權．但只要妳放棄時，他才有可能贏．
Zandra: Why do you think I'm up here?　妳以為我在這裡做什麼？
Helen: Because you think you've already lost! You haven't! You'll be out of here next year Zandra, and I promise you I'll give you all the help I can to protect your rights as Robbie's mother. But first you've gotta respect his rights. Now I'm going to stand up. And I want you to hand him to me. Please!
因為妳以為已輸了！妳並沒有！明年妳就可以出獄，我承諾會全力協助妳爭回監護權．但妳得先尊重他的權利．現在，我要站起來．我希望妳把小孩交給我．拜託．

Zandra把小孩交給了Helen，大家發出歡呼聲．

可是Zandra突然失去戰鬥意志，準備要往下跳，還好Dominic早已埋伏在後，千鈞一髮之際，一把抓回她．這一幕相擁構圖極美，預告他們後來若有似無的情愫．



這是一個神秘片段，沒有人知道，為什麼Nikki可以在那個看起來是宵禁的時間出現？為什麼Helen從那個房間走出來？
Nikki: Helen? 海倫？
Helen: What are you doing here?　妳在這裡做什麼？


Nikki: I thought you were absolutely fantastic up on that roof and I'm sorry Helen, I've got to tell you, You're gorgeous. I'm totally in love with you.
我認為妳在屋頂上的表現真是棒極了，對不起，海倫，我一定得說，妳真美．我全心全意地愛上妳．
Helen: Nikki. 尼琪



Nikki: There's nothing I can do about it. 我沒辦法不愛妳．
Helen: Well I can. 我可以．

這一句話出乎意料地絕情冷漠，Helen就這樣毅然走開．我們猜不透她心中是如何波濤洶湧，可以到第二集最後完全大逆轉．Nikki此刻只能隔著鐵欄杆望著Helen的背影：再一次被拒絕、再一次等待...

Read More

Life is but a movie

父親死後第7天晚上，我真的夢到他。當天，Fruit就預告，我會夢到。當時還覺得怎麼可能？我早早就睡著了。可是半夜裡，突然有風吹動衣櫃上的小木魚，敲啊敲的小小聲把我喚醒。我渾身是汗，努力張開雙眼，在黑暗中什麼都看不到。眼皮再也撐不住，沒多久就做了一個夢：

我站在一個高點上，遠遠俯視一片湖，湖中有一座白塔和有頂的九曲橋。左邊是夕陽餘輝，湖面上反照著金黃色波光潾潾。

沒多久右邊走近一列穿著類似京劇戲服的戲子，我仰著頭看他們，有人執大旗，有人垂水袖，有人踩高蹺...微風吹來，眼前所有的布縵以慢動作緩緩飄動。

一轉眼我出現在有頂的九曲橋中。像是在迥廊裡．沿著牆面，有好多中年男子(像是老兵)舖著草席躺下休息。我父親則是席地而坐。他不再是灰白的小平頭，反而回復到我小時候的記憶：濃密的鳥黑西裝頭。他穿著白色國民領的短襯衫，灰藍色的長褲。表情有點憂鬱，想要對我說話，卻欲言又止．

我感覺母親在左後方，我回頭，竟用英文問了一句：Is that true？

夢便醒了。在接下來的二三年，我又夢過父親幾次...

Read More

Life is but a movie

人生如夢？我常覺得人生如戲，像電影一樣充滿戲劇性。所以，這一篇是我的故事，人生電影中的一段章節...

1999年，誠品書店有一段廣告詞，大意是說今年的任何一件東西，只要保存到下個年度就成為跨世紀....那年夏天，7月上旬，出乎意料之外，在網路上用英文和一位香港網友聊誠品時，誤打誤撞認識Fruit，就是我常說的「我家那口子」。我們從這一個月起，陸續展開慶祝八週年的活動－－其實，凡是要花大錢的活動，只要套上這個名目就變得理所當然。沒辦法，誰叫我們是跨世紀的情侶。

一開始我曾感覺，我們的戀情好像受到咀咒，那一年天災人禍不斷。

7月29日十一時三十分，我們正在熱線通話時，突然窗外一片黑暗，連她在另一個縣市都是一樣情況，看來不是地區性停電，我當時內心第一個反應是：空襲警報嗎？我記得很小很小的時候，有一次夜間演習，當時我從老家的頂樓往下看西門町圓環，是全部熄燈，而且完全沒有行人。可是我那個長我7歲的哥哥，卻很痞子地拉一條延長線，故意把他的書燈打開來往天空照。現在想想，萬一真發生轟炸，我們豈不是第一個遭殃？

事後新聞報導729大斷電是五十多年來最嚴重的一次全省性斷電，整個台灣本島只因為左鎮山區1座超高壓鐵塔受地層滑動倒塌而引起大規模停電。沒想到，這只混亂的序曲。

時序到了秋天。沒多久，我父親再度因舊疾送榮總醫院急診。榮總病人多，很難在第一時間便駐入病房。我只好在急診處走道旁的臨時床邊守了他一夜。我有太多次在醫院陪同的經驗，心裡並不以為意。只是長時間坐在椅子上很辛苦，整個急診處燈光通明，有時人來人往很不好睡，再加上晚上相對強勁的冷氣，對體力是一大挑戰。倒是Fruit和一位朋友，大老遠開了車來看我。當然，也是第一次看到我父親。

我從沒見過父親曾睜大眼看著人。我們完全猜不出他心裡在想什麼，是好奇或生疏？還是因為輕微中風的影響？Fruit覺得很不好意思，她是老師，早就習慣被一群人注視，還是很不適應父親的眼神，只好告辭離開。那是兩人僅有的一次，也是最後一次會面。等到父親駐入病房穩定後，家人不必再整夜陪同，而是淪流去探視。

我住在十餘層高的電梯大樓。室內為了充分利用空間，整面牆的書櫃高達200公分，最上面還貪心地再架上一組厚重木頭大音箱。在廚房的開放式層架上，為了美觀，還擺了幾個IKEA的大玻璃罐......這一切都為921當晚增加意想不到震撼效果。

我對地震一直很敏感。國中時，有一次課堂上發生地震，全班只有我一個人頂著書包躲到桌下．當然，全班哄堂大笑。我做錯了嗎？很早我就發現，不能太在意別人的想法，人云亦云不一定是正確的。

記得當時9月下旬還未顯涼意，但可以不開冷氣。我不喜歡所謂的「涼被」，我喜歡毛巾料的長被，既透氣又有較佳的披覆感。當晚，將近十二點入睡．在淺淺的睡夢中，我感到了震動。我可以在還沒完全清醒的情況下，反射式地抓著毛巾被便起身。很快地，大音箱轟地撞擊到地磚(後來發現撞破一個洞)，書籍像雨一樣紛紛刷落。我躲到餐桌下，但是這次並沒有像一般地震搖一陣子便結束。它完全沒有要結束的樣子！IKEA的大玻璃罐像糟糕的跳水選手般投入地面，它的碎玻璃像四散激起的大片水花，還伴著鬼哭神號的尖銳聲響。我開始在嘴裡咬著毛巾被的一角，而且越咬越抖，一直告訴自己：不可以哭！不可以哭！我怕一旦哭出聲音，恐懼便能趁虛而入，把我活活吞噬。

忘了它是什麼時候停下來？其實好像都沒有停，一直間歇性地抽動。我把大鐵門打開，以防它變形，免得開不了逃生。但是往外能逃到那裡去？滿街都是樓房。不敢再回床上睡，一整夜便躺在餐桌下。我看著餐桌下的面板，突然發現有好多手印子，原來以前擦桌子都沒擦到面板下方－－誰會擦面板下方？矇矓中，我只記得叮囑自己明天一早起來要擦面板下方....大地緩緩地搖著搖著，我累得睡著了。

另一次大停電，而且時間更長。電梯不能搭，上上下下變成意志大考驗。我看到報紙頭版，一整棟樓房像非洲草原上被獵殺倒地的大象，無比巨大且血腥。接著有更多更多悲慘故事，像一個個村落的滅絕，一個個家庭的消失，一個個人的死亡。淚，陪著流不完.....

母親想要去醫院探視父親。我騎著機車載著她。路上大多沒有街燈，沒有店家的燈，只有車燈偶爾像孤魂野鬼交會。我一直在想像，戰爭的某一刻，是不是像這樣？

我們多慮了，榮總堅固地像堡壘，父親反而安慰我們即將可以出院。他的出院是一片愁雲慘霧中最大的欣慰。我也開始逐漸回復和Fruit的約會．所謂的戲劇性，就是當你覺得步上坦途，卻馬上急轉直下。

10月7日，距離921沒多遠，我剛離開Fruit，在月台上正準備等火車返家。母親很少打手機聯絡我，卻接到她的電話，慌張地描述父親突然倒下.....我鎮地的請她先趕快聯絡大樓警衛幫忙，另外一通電話馬上找就近上班的表妹來協助，火車沒有來；聯絡了哥哥，火車沒有來；聯絡了所有可以就近幫忙的人....可是我的火車還是沒有來。急得眼眶都是淚，卻不敢哭出，擔心恐懼就要趁虛而入。

最後，坐在一班每站都停的電聯車。它緩慢而規律地開門又閉門，我看得眼神空洞，一片心茫茫然。多年後，才聽母親回憶他最後嚥氣的景況，她沒有什麼情緒起伏，好像在訴說一件已不相干的往事。哥和我都沒有再說話，他沈默地看著方向盤前方，我別過頭，想起快要閉門的電聯車。

從頭到尾，我沒有靠近過父親。我像一個電影鏡頭，在二公尺外看著我哥摸著父親的頭，他取下眼鏡，好像在擦淚。我從來沒看過他流淚。接下來像快轉鏡頭，我們在醫院地下室推著父親上車。黑漆漆的車廂，只聽見母親和五阿姨不斷頌唸天主教玫瑰經。車頂上旋轉的雙色燈，一刀一刀揮進車廂中，令人無處躲藏．當他們把父親抬起放進較高的冰櫃，我看到他身體還是柔軟的，想像有一些血液還不明究理地緩慢移動，最後一絲體溫像晨間飄浮在水面上的淡淡薄霧....然後，他就被塞入冰櫃，連著身上的毯子，直接被關在黑暗裡。

Read More